Living in the Unknowing

I’ve been trying to get out of this funk I’ve been in these past few weeks, especially since the spasms have begun to affect my capacity to breathe deeply. I had a few episodes like this last year, scary once or twice but for the most part mild and on and off for about a month. This year over the past two maybe three months it feels like a giant is holding me up in his hand and squeezing my torso refusing to let me go. His fingers tightly wrapped around my stomach and ribs and chest. Is this what asthma feels like?

This feeling isn’t all the time but it is happening more often. It even happened this weekend on an outing with my kids and boyfriend. Breakfast and then the garden center right before a movie. My daughter bought me a beautiful flowering plant for an early mothers day gift and as I notice she can barely carry the 3lb container I ask her if I can help her. I carry it just a short ways and I begin to wheeze again. It happened at breakfast too, but this time more pronounced. All this weight/pressure is on my chest and stomach. I’m just trying to breath except its hard to get a full deep breath in. I know my muscles are tight in my stomach (maybe even the ones around my ribs). I can feel them. So can my boyfriend when he reaches over to feel my stomach.

But as always I just need a few moments maybe minutes to curl inwards and try to relax. I cannot panic. I cannot stress. In essence I have to calm my mind as much as possible, to meditate. After a few minutes it is over and on we go to the movies. Walking in was robotic and slow. On to the movies. It was a decent movie. I can’t stand who they cast as Wonder woman though. Wonder woman is supposed to be built like an amazon and her height to tower over most men. Instead they picked this pretty dainty looking chick and she barely had any lines.I get it wasn’t about her, but still I was annoyed. Damn Hollywood and their casting of women in crappy wimpy leading roles or pure objectification of us. I could write an entire feminist blog on my opinion of Hollywood and women or social media and women, but I have bigger fish to fry right now. I have to figure out how to get back to normal breathing first. Luckily at the movies aside from a few  very minor spasms in my limbs and limping slight down the steps to  find our seat or up the steps when the movie was over everything else was fine and the movie was okay. Honestly I just loved that we were out and about. My boyfriend who has always been on the go go walker discretely lovingly waits for me now when he doesn’t see I’m directly behind him. He lets me do my own thing as he realized when this all started that I’m stubborn and I want to keep going by myself. I’m no fool though, I can see my kids worry. I can see him worry. I can see my family worry. I wish I could make them believe there is nothing to worry about.

At home about an hour or two later I made chicken and rice, my boyfriend made the Brussels sprouts celery thing he does. I think its amusing how much he dislikes Brussels sprouts, but can makeup a great dish with them. Dinner was difficult to make as I had to sit down every five to ten minutes to lean back and press my muscles away from my diaphragm. My boyfriends taught me how, he figured out a few months ago. How did he figure it out? He understands anatomy fairly well. Its kind of cool how we both a some sense of anatomy at least in a muscular sense due to our jobs. Anyhow, he’s pretty good at finding the right muscles right muscles to pull away now and pulling them away from my diaphragm so I can take deeper breaths. It use to hurt like a b*^$#! when he first began to pull the muscles away, but he learned to stay calm and be a little gentler. This time he grabbed my right hand and told me “here hold it down right here” and so I did. It feels so wonderful to take a deep breath. When I was back to normal, I was able to finish the chicken. Believe it or not we still managed to make dinner right on time. His Brussels sprouts were delicious. My chicken and rice were devoured. Everybody wanted more. Oops no more seconds.

Work Monday was functional. Other than complete exhaustion I has a normal okay day. No martial arts for me that evening, besides my best friend was coming over. She and I had a lot of catching up to do. Somewhere along the line I began to help her come up with and send naughty emojis to her husband. We never outgrow the teenager inside ourselves do we?

Today is Tuesday and I am lethargic. I’ve noticed since my workouts aren’t what they use to be I have gained ten pounds back. I’m hesitant to start running, or weight lifting to get back in shape. I can barely handle (if I can at all) martial arts in the evening twice a week. I haven’t even done yoga in the past 3 weeks. Not knowing what is going to happen to my body is really scary. I don’t care so much about the spasms  in my limbs. Unfortunately, I’m use to those and have learned how to continue to workout or move on past those, even if just a few minutes at a time, rest and then try again and then rest again. Repeat or. I also know the earlier in the morning I do things the better (most of the time). At there worst, I’ll just sit down and rest a bit longer or need to stop for that particular day, but the spasms that affect my breathing, those…scare me. I haven’t lived with them long enough to learn how to maneuver around them yet. So, I hesitate to do anything that will exacerbate those spasms. I know sometimes doing nothing wont stop the spasms, but I also know the more tired I am the more likely they are to happen. So what do I do? How do I stay healthy and fit as I have always tried to  stay when staying healthy and fit can sometimes cause my symptoms to flare?

 

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