Pent Up

pent-upWe were talking, while walking, our rounds around our neighboring street, when I discovered and he discovered how angry I am; how much pent up anger I have. I let it out. I let it all out.

I let out how angry I am with my father and his absence in my life and my mother for her excuses for him, her enabling of him, her treatment of him as a child instead of an adult and allowing him to get away with his neglect as a father because of his “sickness”.

I let out my anger for my siblings and how out of place I feel more often than not when I am around them. As much as I love them I so often feel like I don’t belong, like they don’t get me and I don’t get them. It’s a lonely feeling.

I let out my frustration about my best friend and how frustrating it is to keep watching her and listening to her forgive her husband each time he says “I’m sorry”, though she knows deep down inside he’s not.

I let out how angry I am that I’ve lost my patients, that on top of everything dystonia won’t leave me the fuck alone. She creeps up on me at my happiest, at my saddest, at  my most exhausted, at my least exhausted and/or all of the above. She turns my world upside-down and it’s so hard to stay strong, to know what to do, to figure out the triggers to know who to talk to or who to turn to for help.

I let out my distaste for the snobby doctors who say this isn’t organic, who wasted my time and my money and only saw me as a number.

I let out at how guilty I feel that my boyfriend has taken on my dystonia with me while I struggle to go to work and school and care for the kids. I feel like a burden to him, like I’m taking away his opportunity to have better opportunities. He tells me I’m pushing him away. He wants to stay. I want him to stay.

I’m angry because this all feels so unfair. Am I a spoiled brat. I am well aware other people are much worse off than me. I have a cousin I hardly know fighting stage 4 cancer. She just had major surgery over the weekend. She too has 3 children. I have to tell myself at least I don’t have stage 4 cancer.

I let out how angry I am that I can’t stop talking about dystonia and worse that when I do there is noone I can talk to that I love that understands what it is or what I am going through. I am angry at the stupid limited support groups available on Facebook filled with suffering people talking about their suffering. It’s like turning on the news and only hearing bad news, people murdered, dieing, raping…It doesn’t feel informative or helpful at all. It feels like the end of the world is coming and we need to strap on and watch our backs. I don’t want to be a part of a vent group. I want a support group. Where is the damn support group? Where is the damn therapist to lead the group? Where is the damn cure and the damn treatments and….

Why isnt there more available for people with dystonia?

I think it took me less then an hour to let it all out and maybe more. In between he gave his two or three cents but overall it was me just venting and he just listened and I just wanted to hug him and apologize for venting. I told him I am turning into one of them, one of those people who are sick and their whole life is consumed by the sickness that they can’t speak or think beyond the sickness. I cried. He held me. Where is his support group? Where is the support group for my kids?

 

 

 

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