I wish I had something profound to say. I wish I could hook you with my first line and then reel you in for the rest, but truth be told I am tired. I am too tired to blog, too tired to think. Since I began school I have forced myself to make time to open books read and study. To make time to post on here is even harder.
This past weekend I missed out on a fun bow and arrow target practice weekend with my kids and the sweet man in my life, so that I could stay home and study for another test, another practical. I aced it by the way (95 Sweet!!!), but that was just one of many I will have to sacrifice weekends for. That was just one of many that will make me grumpy, tired, scatter brained and envious of others free time. Before my biggest fear was how dystonia would keep me from graduating and practicing, but lately I wonder why I have chosen to add additional stress to my life. Wait!!!! Didn’t a super experienced doctor with a lifetimes worth of experience tell me that my dystonia was stress related???? Wait what? If I was ever more stressed it would be now. It would be now when my grades determine my future as OTA/OT. More than two C’s and I can get kicked out of the program. This is no joke. I have had panic attacks over it. My grades determine if I stay in or I get booted out. If I get booted out there goes all this hard work I have already put in to a better future, for my kids, for me, for us. Don’t let the sweet faces of my instructors fool you. Then of course, there is always that underlying stress of if my grades are fine dystonia will decide to suddenly show her nastiest face and render me useless. Everything I have read about dystonia and it usually says it will get worse according to experts who have no idea what it is or why it happens.
I’ve told myself (you know those pep talks) to take it one day at a time. If I can work as an OTA for at least a year and I make a real difference in someone’s life while doing it than that is more than I thought I would be capable of doing when all this started two years ago. I had no clue at all of what was going on with my body. I’m not dieing (pep talk), sometimes it feels like I am, but I am not. I also like to remind myself that maybe because of my dystonia I will be more compassionate and understanding in my line of work especially with anyone with neurological disorders. This last part is not pep talk. I honestly believe in that respect dystonia has helped me be more compassionate and understanding and even more knowledgeable of the human body, especially mine.
Today was a great boost for my ego too. Not only did I do a great job with our interview-to-make-a-personalized-craft-gift-tote bag assignment, but I also realized what a beautiful thing it was to do, how something so small can really help lift up someone’s spirits and make them feel valuable. The bag made for me by my classmate was so touching I almost teared up but I held it in. The bag I made for the classmate I interviewed helped bring out my stick-man creativity and hoped that with it I could help uplift her if even for a little bit from her woes. I am so thankful my instructor had us do this assignment. It is REALLY nice to have fun assignments between the medical terminology quizzes and the practical and chapter exams. I can’t wait to continue my growth project (I am learning how to make mosaics) and then move on to the clay project.
I like that not everything in my life is about dystonia anymore. For awhile my life revolved around dystonia. I obsessed about it or went into complete denial about. Sometimes I cried for days about it, other days I was just happy to get be able to walk or breath normally. Not being able to breath really puts a lot of the petty things into perspective.
Since I stopped teaching my weekly fitness classes and not doing as much martial arts my dystonia has improved. I haven’t taken a pill in about week. My boyfriend has noticed that too. Does that mean I can’t exercise? I hope not because then my muscles will atrophy. It is sad to watch the muscle I worked so hard to build turn into just skinny.
Is it gone? No! It has improved, but it hasn’t gone away. Its still there. I have had period like this before when the dystonia is barely noticeable that I can barely feel it, not even the numbness, tingling and weakness and then it comes back with a vengeance. Even today during the practical, I lost my balance standing on my left leg (demonstrating mm strength for pelvic tilt). Everyone else thought it was because I just lost my balance but I know deep down that weird feeling I felt standing on my left leg like that was all thanks to dystonia. Luckily no spasm followed.
The last time I had spasm and trouble walking was at the dojo last week, before that I had been to several practices with no problem, but last week was different. I was doing great. I kept up with everyone and did what I had to do. Then half way through practice my leg froze and my foot rooted. I could not take another step. All of the black belts and most of my classmates understood what was happening. When I couldn’t pick up my leg or foot off the ground and we all had our little giggle, my instructor helped me walk backwards (left foot in foot drop and painfully dragging) to get to the wall and rest. My left arm locked up too. The rest of the class went on and I watched in some envy and hope that if I concentrate long maybe I can visualize into physical practice eventually. If only I wasn’t so much of a hands on learner. My boyfriend can see a move once and pick it up like he was born to know it and me… I use to have a little bit of that. Now its hard for me to connect my mind with my body. I use to be so determined, so strong, so… Now it is so hard to keep myself from quitting. The stares, the embarrassment, the frustration, my ego…
But today was a good day and that tiny loss of balance was no big deal. At least my leg didn’t glue itself to the floor. Tomorrow I will go to work and then take another stab at the dojo. Then on Wednesday I will go to school and I will keep going until I can’t go anymore.